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Breaking Up Lovely: The Dos & Don’ts

Break ups…for the most part, we’ve all experienced them, and there is no denying, they are the worst.

In the relationship you finally feel like your dream wedding is going to take place (thank goodness for Pinterest, am I right?) then bam, the break up happens, and you realize your fantasy wedding is once again just a Pinterest Board on your iPhone screen.

Instead of romantic walks on the beach with your Boo, you begin imagining your future as sad, lonely, 40-year-old woman with way too many dogs, and not enough human interaction. 

 

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Okay, so maybe I am being a tad dramatic, and maybe I am the only one who imagined the whole dog scenario, but I will fully admit after my last break up I was a bit of a mess. Thankfully, I pretty quickly realized (and was reminded by multiple Lovely mentors) that there is a right way and a wrong way to handle a break up.  And yes, break ups are horrible at first, but remember that break ups are a blessing in disguise.

They will lead to a season of growth and healing! And those seasons are always super fun!

I’ll start with the wrong way to handle a break up, by sharing how I handled my last break up, because yes, even Lovely mentors mess up and handle things incorrectly at times.

Day 1: I cried uncontrollably and regretted everything about the break up.  I literally just wanted us to work it out and for him to “take me back.”

Day 2: I realized I had not eaten since before the break up, yet I still chose not to eat.  

Days 3-5: I listened to Adele on repeat, wallowed in self-pity, and I cried a lot.

 

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Day 6: I saw my ex-boyfriend for the first time, got super ticked off because he looked completely fine, so dreamy in fact, while my face was spotted and my eyes were swollen because guess what, I had still not stopped crying.

Day 7: I imagined my ex-boyfriend listening to Adele in his truck, sobbing his eyes out, and for the first time in what seemed like forever I laughed…a lot…but then cried some more.

Day 8: Chocolate covers all the food groups, right?

Days 9-13: I got super angry and let the anger consume me. I was letting negative thoughts like: He is not as perfect as he seems, he’s a terrible person, and I hate him, consume me. (But on the down low, he is a great man, just not great for me, and those feelings were just me being SUPER insecure.)

Day 14: My Lovely mentor encouraged me to forgive my ex and really helped me to pinpoint the roots of my anger, which were all insecurities I needed to address. Not going to lie, it was one of the most annoying conversations I have ever had, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

So yes, there were some thing I did horribly wrong during those two weeks, but I also realized that was okay. I am human, and far from perfect. Even though I am totally closer to perfect than my ex 😉 Just kidding…maybe….

I realized it was okay to break down in tears, and admit to my friends that I was hurting.

 

Feeling the pain, rather than burying the pain was actually healthy.

 

I had to come to terms with the fact that someone I cared about was no longer going to be in my life in the same capacity that he once was.  It was okay to mourn our friendship, which I did a lot. This mourning was not something to beat myself up over.

I also understand that is was not good for me to let me sadness and anger consume me. Blaming him for everything would not make things better. After two weeks I was not miraculously over it, but I did try much harder to not let the breakup consume me. 

Now that we have made it through the not-so-good ways to handle a break up, let us focus on a few ways to make sure you handle the break up better than I did those first couple of weeks. I want you to get through it like a champ!

  1. Help others. When I began focusing on others, and loving them I stopped focusing on my problems. This filled my heart with so much joy. I began helping every Monday with a Lovely Group and now I look forward to those nights. I know I am going to get to spend time with beautiful girls who bring happiness to my life and give me confidence to conquer the world.
  2. Build friendships, with guys and girls. I tend to be really shy when it comes to making friends and actually inviting people to hang out. I would much rather stay at home, read a book and cuddle up with my dog. Even though that’s the life I prefer, I made it a point to make my #squadgoals a reality. This took so much out of me. I had to push myself out of my comfort zone, but it was so worth it.  I now have an even stronger group of friends, whom I love dearly.  I cannot imagine doing life without them!
  3. Read, read, and read some more.  For me, I focused on Scripture and gained a whole new love for Jesus, which is always a huge win! I also read So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us by Beth Moore, which I highly recommend. We all have insecurities we need to conquer and this book was so good at helping me do so. I encouraged book recommendations from the new friends I made as well.  This was so much fun, because I got to know my new friends on a deeper level.  So, whatever genre you like, read it!
  4. Talk about it.  For so long, I was embarrassed to talk to my friends about how I was truly feeling.  I thought that if I kept it in my head it would somehow go away.  In actuality these thoughts manifested and consumed my life. I could not handle it.  When I began talking about all of my problems, from boy drama to work drama, with my Lovely mentors I began feeling so much more relaxed.  Now, whenever I get stressed about a situation I text my mentors and they always send me a word of encouragement. I am instantly reminded that I will get through whatever it is I am struggling with.
  5. Have fun!  Hang out with friends! Write a blog! Paint a picture!  Go on an adventure! Push yourself out of your comfort zone and accomplish goals you were not focusing on while in the relationship.  A.K.A LIVE LIFE, and don’t dwell on the past relationship and all the could have beens.
  6. Most importantly, forgive.  Like I mentioned earlier, I am human, my ex is human, and we both made mistakes.  I could not hold those mistakes against him, and I could not place unwarranted blame on myself.  So in reality, the easy part is probably going to be forgiving your ex, the tougher part might be forgiving yourself.  Both are necessary in order to move on.

I guess what I am getting to is, DO NOT HATE YOUR EX!  

Low key, I am probably one of my ex boyfriends biggest cheerleaders. I want him to achieve all of his dreams and be happy because he is an incredible human being. I want everyone I know to experience joy and make their dreams a reality, even if they are an ex. But even lower key, and for selfish reasons, I want him to succeed because I don’t ever want to have to admit that I dated a dud…but maybe that’s just me…also, I am kidding again. #badjokes #sorrynotsorry.

Break ups are hard.  Trust me, I have been through a few. They are even harder if you wallow in self-pity or let anger and hate consume you. Cut those feelings off and allow yourself to heal and move on!

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Image: Sophia Louise via Flickr

Also, please realize that it might take a couple of days, a couple of weeks, a couple of months or even longer to get through the break up.  And that is okay.  But also understand that you WILL get through it and be STRONGER than ever because you are Lovely!

 

Lots of Love,

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