So I guess this should start with an explanation: THE FIGGGHHHHHTTTTTT was inspired by my friends’ son. When he was little, he would make a sword out of markers so that when his dad came home, they could have a battle, during which, he would yell, “the figgghhhhttttttttt!!”
Today, I find that this idea of the fight still applies to me different ways. My mind has felt like a battleground for years. The first time this popped up was middle school, where I was constantly bombarded with thoughts of insecurity. I wasn’t pretty enough, social enough, good enough for people to like me. In my mind, I was the outcast. The one no one cared to get to know. It took years for me to overcome these thoughts, although they still try to creep in when I’m low. But I was so thankful for The Lovely Project for teaching me to fight. That I didn’t just have to accept the thoughts running through my head. That I was made for more than insecurity and people pleasing.
It’s definitely been fiercely needed this past year. In the midst of feeling broken and angry, I realized that it didn’t have to be that way. And when that realization came, other attacks followed. The biggest of which was that I needed people to like me. My life became so focused on what others thought and if they truly wanted me around. It’s tiring to make people like you all the time. It’s sad to leave a friend’s house after hanging out only to feel depressed because I was so focused on wanting people to like me. I felt like I was back in middle school, running through all of these insecurities once again. I felt that I always had to prove myself to those around me, even with those closest to me.
But then I was reminded to fight. I may be down, feeling very at home lying in the dirt. But that’s not where I, that’s not where you, belong. We were made for more. We don’t belong on the floor. We can stand and believe that we are Beautiful. Brave. Priceless. Worth more than jewels. That is you. That is every Lovely girl.
I know it sounds easier than it really is. I am so frustrated at how long these insecurities had a hold on me. And how they still try to come back. I still have my days. The days when I break down in tears because of the attacks of fear, doubt, and insecurity. But it is in that moment that I have to stop being controlled by my feelings. Because deep inside, I know that these thoughts are lies. To quote Tris Prior in a simulation, “This isn’t realllll…”
Let me give a better explanation of the analogy. There is so much to be learned from the Divergent series, Tris Prior especially (And no, I am not talking about the movies. Those are enough to break a poor fangirl’s heart).
When Tris is in a simulation (think Virtual Reality Game), she knows that it isn’t real. It looks real. It feels real. But she knows beyond a doubt that it’s not.
As you watch her enter the simulation, she is terrified. Survival instincts kick in. And she starts to fail. But then she realizes that this is just a simulation, not real life. She could stay caught up in the emotions that the simulation gives her, or she can stand upon the truth and know that what is happening around her is only a virtual reality.
I’m not a conspiracy theorist saying that we live in some kind of Matrix. That’s a whole other movie. What I’m saying is that we need to remember these thoughts do not always portray real life. Not every thought that comes into our heads is truth, although we tend to believe it as such.
We were made for more than insecurity, loneliness, and self-pity.
Don’t surrender to it.
Fight to know your Value. Fight to know that you are Lovely.
Is it easy? No.
Is it necessary? Absolutely.
And the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can make the switch to fight.
Please believe it.
Then stand up.