My husband kicked us out: Heidi’s Story
When my husband kicked me and our two kids out of the house and moved in another woman, my whole world fell apart.
Nothing could’ve prepared me for the feeling I felt when I found out “she” was living in my house. We had had a rocky marriage, so I thought I was prepared for it, but I found myself in a deep, dark pit of fear, loneliness, depression, pride, anger, insecurity, and lack of self-worth. I knew I needed to get some counseling, but I just wanted an instant fix. I wanted to numb the pain and forget how lonely and hurt I felt. So, I started going out drinking, partying, and hooking up with guys.
I was constantly searching for that temporary but instant thing to make me feel good…to make me feel wanted.
I was convinced that nothing mattered anymore. Nothing mattered except getting my next fix, whether it came from drugs, alcohol, sex, or all of the above – whatever would make me believe the lie that everything was okay and that nothing was wrong with me, that it didn’t matter what I looked or felt like on the inside, as long as I could still attract men with my body. I mean, it worked for “her,” didn’t it? As long as I could get guys to sleep with me, I felt satisfied – to a point, of course.
I loved all the wonderful words they said to me to get me in bed. They made me feel beautiful and wanted.
I cared more about that feeling than I cared about what my kids were going through or how they were dealing with the loss of their dad.
I was so consumed with my own feelings that I forgot that their little world had fallen apart, too! Of course I would make sure they were asleep as soon as possible so I could start drinking and inviting people over. I brought guys into our house and let them spend the night. I went out drinking every chance I got so I could find another guy to sleep with when the last one realized how messed up I was. I knew these guys were using me, but I didn’t care because I was using them too. I don’t even remember the names of a couple of them. When a guy stopped talking to me, I would obsessively drunk dial him and leave pathetic messages on his voicemail offering sex if he would come over. I had a regular 2 or 3 guys that I would call (one of them being my husband), hoping one of them would be drunk that night too and would be searching for the same thing I was searching for. I just wanted to feel close to someone, to feel wanted, to be held. Sometimes, I would have no luck – but often, one would take the bait.
When I couldn’t get anyone to come over, I would resent the fact that I was a mother and had to stay with my kids.
I couldn’t come and go when I pleased, and I felt trapped. It drove me crazy knowing that my husband was out gallivanting around wherever and with whomever he pleased and I didn’t have that freedom. I would scream at my kids if they got on my nerves when I was hung over or when they didn’t do exactly what I wanted them to. I hated it when they made a mess because I couldn’t stand cleaning it up while I had a pounding headache or a queasy stomach. I was so angry. I was angry because I couldn’t control them, I couldn’t control my husband, I couldn’t control the guys I slept with, I couldn’t control my situation, and I couldn’t control myself! My life was such a mess! I hated myself. I felt like there was no hope or end to my despair. I put on a happy face when I was around other people though, and I acted like I had everything under control.
Then one day, an old friend of mine from high school invited me to a dance performance she was in. It happened to be about addictions and something tugged on my heart that day, but I ignored it. My friend kept inviting me out to hang out with some of her lovely friends. I knew there was something different about those girls right away, something kept me coming back again and again. They helped me get out of the hole I had dug for myself and taught me how to conquer my addictions and gain back my confidence once again!
When I look back at how I was living a few years ago, it disgusts and saddens me – but it also makes me realize how much I have changed.
These changes did not happen overnight, but were slow and painful. As I let go of each addiction, I experienced depression, loneliness, and a realization of the reality that I had been numbing myself against. It was hard, but now I have dealt with each reality and live with joy and hope for what is to come. I now cherish every day and every moment I have with my children and have learned how to support and encourage them as they are growing and healing along with me.
I was rejected and abandoned.
Now, I am Lovely.