I felt scared all my life.
From a very young age I remember my mom “losing it.” At the age of four, I remember my mom chasing me across the house and I hid behind the couch cowering in fear because I had been naughty and my mom was angry. I love my mom, I always did my best to honor her, not be rude and I was proud to be her favorite child.
I have really sweet memories of her growing up, like watching tv together, but on the other side of the coin I have terrifying ones. There was her nurturing side- helping me when I was sick, then there was the abusive side- kicking me while I was down.
My siblings and I dared not to be bad by my mom’s standards, or we would be dragged around the house by our hair, thrown down the stairs and beaten. Our mother would vent her full anger out on us and our father would watch as a helpless spectator who occasionally was also beaten if he dared to intervene. My parents seemed like polar extremes with my mom displaying the emotion of anger at any given moment and my father displaying no emotion to me.
When I was 15, my mom displayed me as a trophy daughter and celebrated me in front of my siblings as being slim, pretty and perfect.
My siblings were treated with the opposite vocabulary of being called ugly and fat. This created a void between my sisters and I as they grew to resent me. This made me feel even more alone and lost in this world. At least my siblings had each other, but I was scared, hated and alone. My mom went as far as controlling what I ate and the size of my portions, which left me neglected and without a voice.
When I was 18 I found out that my mom had an affair and my parent’s marriage was over.
You might think I would hate her, but I found it easy to forgive her. I put myself in my mom’s shoes as hard as that may sound. I knew my granddad beat her and called her names throughout her whole childhood and she carried that anger with her. I knew forgiving her would make me free. All the anger and sadness of my past was released. I also realised that she was not fed emotionally in her marriage as my dad neglected her and left her to raise three little girls on her own as he sat silent by as an absent parent. My mom lost her first child and never let go of the grief. All of this does not by any means justify her actions or make it right, but I chose to have grace.
Now in my life I have realised that I am not going to do the things my mom did, be the mom that she was or take out my anger on my helpless little girls. My husband loves me enough to tell me when I am wrong, which helps me to be a better woman. He is a loving daddy and we are blessed to have three beautiful girls. I live my life free from my past and my relationships with my family are restored. I have a relationship with my mom that is healthy & she has grown as a woman. (Letting go of the anger from her past & has remorse for her mistakes). I don’t hold anything against her, my dad or siblings. We all make mistakes. (It’s my choice how I respond).
I now have a voice (no longer cowering in fear or shame) and I choose to love people, speak life and uplift others, so they too can be the lovely girls they truly are.
I was afraid and alone… Now I am Lovely.