Within a few months of becoming a single mom, I began realizing how difficult it would be for me to provide for my son on my own.
I knew that one day, a time would come when my son would need a dad to help him get through certain trials in his life. I quickly became desperate to fill that void for my son. I had seen commercials that promoted online dating. You know the ones: happy faces, slow dancing, fairytale happy endings? I thought I’d give it a try. How hard could it be?
After a friend set up an account for me, numerous messages from different men began coming in. One guy in particular stood out to me, Jay. He was a 21 year old single dad with two kids.His profile said he was ‘looking for friends’. He seemed genuine through the messages he sent me. Finally having someone that understood me felt nice. We decided to meet up the following Saturday.
Saturday came, and my mom agreed to watch my son. Jay picked me up at noon. As soon as I got in the car, the first thing he said to me was, “Could you have walked any slower?” Laughing it off, I said hello to him and his kids. The only response I got was him turning up the music.
By the time we got to his house, I was so nervous from the silence (and Skrillex) that I couldn’t remember the route we took to get there.
After unloading his kids, still silent Jay went into the kitchen while I followed the kids into the living room. After a few minutes, I wandered into the kitchen and found him wrestling with a box. “Do you think you could open this?” I took it from him, ‘These things take a woman’s touch, and fingernails.’ I said as I tore it open. When I handed the box back to him, our eyes met for the first time.
There was a glazed, almost dead look in his eyes. He took the box and set it down on the counter. He then walked around to the side I was standing on- never breaking eye contact- until he came behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist in a more intimate way that I would have expected.
Inside, I was uncomfortable. Outwardly, I played it coy. I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable with me, I wanted him to like me.
Just as I realized his kids were walking into the room, he spun me around and kissed me. Startled, and no longer able to play it coy, I pulled away from him. Instantly, his hand came to my neck, wrapping his fingers firmly around my throat. I pushed his arm down, but he quickly threw his hand back to its firm grasp, forcing my face to be pointed directly at his.
Taking his hand away from my neck, he kissed me again, more passionately this time.
I did what he said as his hands then began to crawl all over my body. After several minutes he pushed me away, and walked back around the counter, his children still standing in the doorway.
I knew then exactly what I was there for, and it wouldn’t be just two friends hanging out. This guy was not afraid to hurt me, and he did not care that his children stood and watched. I knew I was not physically strong enough to protect myself, but I decided at that moment that I needed to mentally be strong enough to be able to make it home to my son.
That day I was raped repeatedly, while his children watched.
Finally, around 8:30 that night, he told me to get dressed. I was going home. When we finally pulled into my driveway, I flew out of his car and jogged to my front door fumbling with my keys. Once inside, locking the door behind me, I fell to the floor. What was I thinking? What if he came back? What if he hurt my son?
I never heard from him again. After I deleted my account from the dating website, he blocked me on Facebook.
A couple weeks later, I met a Lovely mentor and that is where my Lovely journey began. A year later, you wouldn’t even recognize me from the girl you read about in this blog.
I no longer feel the need to fill any potential voids for my son, because we have the support of some of the most amazing people in the world. I am fully secure with who I am, and truly happy for the first time in my life. The shame from this horrible day is now gone.